Friday Night Fights: Classic Edition

It's been too long, Bahlactus - the crowd is restless - they hunger for blood...



It's just too bad that the only black & white comics I have access to right now are in this old Sam & Max book. Oh well - violence is violence. RING THE DAMN BELL!

Friday Night Fights: Slapstick Week

One thing you might be surprised to learn about Bahlactus (other than his ability to connect with the youth of today) is that the man makes a damn fine cup of coffee:


Fine enough to kill for.

SPECIAL BONUS BOUT!

You didn't think I'd forget, did you?

It just wouldn't be the Fights at BMP without Speedball, The Masked Marvel!

Friday Night Fights: Business as Usual

There is only one thing that can put the fear of god into the dreaded Doctor Doom (and simultaneously turn on the ladies)...

The might of Speedball, of course. What were you expecting?

Bahlactus, of course, fears neither god nor man.

Friday Night Fights: Speedball vs. The Future

Dear great and erudite sage Bahlactus,

Will kicking ass in the future be filled with as much Speedball as it was in the past?

Thanks, buddy. That's a load off my mind.

(Bahlactus the Great gets all of his predictions straight from the future via Spider-girl #15)

Friday Night Fights: Plain, Simple Foom

Tonight on Friday Night Fights:


Just a nice, simple, Speedball-delivered FOOM. (from Speedball: The Masked Marvel #7)

More fooms, fangs, and even fings are delivered to you hot and fresh every Friday night, care of Bahlactus.

Friday Night Fights: Speedball vs. A Beloved Children's Television Character

And now, Speedball, the Masked Marvel, will have his face kicked in by Big Bird


...or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

Your Friday Night Fight is brought to you by the letter BAHLACTUS.

Friday Night Fights: Speedball vs. The Malaprop

It may not be Speedball Week any longer, but I still have those copies of Speedball: The Masked Marvel, and I still have a stake in Bahalctus's mighty test of skill and wit, Friday Night Fights. Thus, the only logical course of action is to keep documenting the all-out hoo-hah action that only Steve Ditko can provide:

Unfortunately, Steve's hoo-hah is completed negated by Roger Stern's jarring script error (or Jack Morelli's lettering goof):

Yar! Cap'n, thar be whales here!

Hey, hey - I know it sounds silly, but hey, everyone makes a mistake every once in a while. You don't have to be so harsh about it.

Especially when you're such a bonehead.

(Speedball faces his grammar demons in Speedball: The Masked Marvel #8)

Friday Night Fights: Speedball vs. A God Among Men

No, not Bahlactus, but the man whose very tears bring hope to the enfeebled: the one, the only, Chick Harris - in All-Out Hoo-Hah Action!

Hey, Chick Harris!

What time is it?

Wait. Two seconds 'til what?


(Chick Harris can outlast the expiry date of every meme on the internet, as proven in Speedball: The Masked Marvel #3)

Friday Night Fights: Speedball vs. Dorian

Friday Night Fights - Knockout!!! forges on despite my absence from last week's bout, and Blackmarket Pies continues the effort to rename it Friday Night Fights - All Speedball Rumble by bringing you the type of kinetic smack down that only Robbie Baldwin and Steve Ditko can provide. From Speedball: The Masked Marvel #9, Speedball tussles with Dorian, seen here taking out his anger on the funny pages:


My momma always told me to stay away from boys like that. With their big guns and fast cars, you're only going to get hurt.


Unless, of course, you hurt them first.

Why don't you go out with a nice boy, like Bahlactus? Now there's a gentleman you can take home to momma.

Friday Night Fights: Speedball vs. Rat

When you have a big pest problem...

you need a big...


wait, what? A gun? You don't seriously mean...

Well, that's not very sporting. I know one man who would never stoop to using a gun - Bahlactus. True fact, brother.

(from Speedball #10, plotted and drawn by Steve "armed and dangerous" Ditko )
(I have yet, by the way, to see an Essential Speedball book, Marvel. You might want to get started on that.)

Captain Canuck Week: Friday Night Fights

Pfft... Canada? Bahlactus laughs at Canada. They've barely got a military at all. They're the "nice" country. They're so polite.




That's what we call peace-keeping.

The Return

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I am back! After who knows how long spent away from the comforting glow of the interweb, I return to its gentle caresses, more in need of money and time than ever. Of course, I couldn't make my comeback fight on just any old night... it's gotta be during the main event, the Friday Night Fights, squaring off against the two-fisted sure bet that is Bahlactus!

And tonight we're outsourcing the concussions straight from the Great White North, with the knock-out punch from Captain Canuck #3, which burst groin-kickenly onto the scene wayback in '75, providing definitive proof that the Mounties were in on the conspiracy from the very beginning:

(you're gonna want to click that and make it bigger)
But, what conspiracy? And who the hell is Captain Canuck, exactly? Good questions, my friends. And they will all be answered, because next week? Next week is his week:



Starting Monday, be prepared for 7 full Strangely-Brew'd days of the other Captain, Captain Canuck! Think you can handle the greatest hero of the middle power, Bahlactus?

Prove it.

Friday Night Fights: Round 7

Attention bureacrats:


Contrary to popular belief...Union Jack is not for sale!

And neither is Bahlactus.

(Union Jack fights for the little guy in Marvel's Union Jack: London Falling paperback, written by Christos Gage, pencilled by Mike Perkins, inked by Andrew Hennessy, and colored by Laura Villari.)

Friday Night Fights: Black & White

Happy 80 years of ass-kicking, Ditko!



Sorry... Mr. Ditko.

Anything particular you'd like to be called, Mr. Bahlactus?

(The first Mr. A story is from Witzend #3)

Friday Night Fights: We Need an Exorcist...

...because Reagan's posessed!




But we all know that the DCU has a dreadfully soft spot for the Gipper, so they'd never really let anything happen to him. And since it's almost Halloween, who better to stop Evil Reagan than the Phantom Stranger...


...and Reagan himself!?


Take that, Commie scum!

Who're you voting for, Bahlactus?

Friday Night Fights: Sucka Punch, Round 4

Marvel's Very Useful Scientific Facts #1

It is unwise to sneak up on a Demon from Hell.



BOOM! HEAD SHOT!

Hey, GR - that old lady looks like she could use some help.

KRROOOMM!'s... is there anything they can't fix?


Will you return the serve, Bahlactus?