I Can Whip Any Man in the House, and Ride any Philly in the Place

I was watching the latest offering from DC Animation, the well-acted by ultimately predictable Batman: Under the Red Hood, when I finally got to the good stuff: the DC Showcase-branded Jonah Hex animated short. Now, what really got me in Jonah Hex wasn't the story or the animation, as both are derivative and stylistically similar to the 2008 release, Batman : Gotham Knight, but, rather, the few seconds prior to the film's opening.

The DC Showcase brand of animated shorts feature a sort of "title sequence" which takes viewers through a comic book shop full of DC comics properties before finally settling on a book featuring the character that we're about to see in the presentation proper.

And I fucking love this.

In addition to being a comic book geek, I harbor a passion for stuff: people's stuff, businesses' stuff, all kinds of stuff. I see the mass market, modern culture, and "consumerism" as a fascinating network of systems, inventions, and creativity all interconnected to form our modern lives. What does a person's stuff say about him? Why did he choose to buy this, or why did he have to buy this? We take home products as a given, when really --

Well, I'm getting off topic. My point here is that the opening was far more interesting to me than the Jonah Hex short. SO, I decided to slow it down and try to see exactly which products the fine folks at DC Comics had decided to draw my attention to, and ponder the reasons why.



As we fly through Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash accompanied by some very John-Williamsy-spacey-like-twinkly music, our gaze is directed toward various properties: there's Showcase #4, the issue that ushered in the Silver Age of Comics with Barry Allen way back in 1956; there's an appearance of everyone's favorite BustyAirborne Lass in Showcase #99 featuring Power Girl; followed by more issues of Showcase, natch. There's a few Showcase Presents collections scattered around, including The Elongated Man (hint hint), Ambush Bug, and Booster Gold, and I think I even caught a glimpse of a few collections from "the other guys."

And then I saw this:


May whatever heathen god you pray to bless the production intern who whipped out a copy of Showcase #78 to shove into the hands of COMIC SHOP PATRON #6. Everyone knows that the imagineers here at Blackmarket Pies love, love, love the obscure and the underappreciated, so when I saw a character that I had never heard of before being absorbed with care and attention by a hip twenty-something, I had to jump into the fray.

Showcase #78 features the man known as JONNY DOUBLE, whom wikipedia describes as "a down-beat Don Quixote in a society that frowns on windmills. A once white knight in rusty armor searching for that last dragon to slay. The poor man's Peter Pan."

Hmmm. While very British-invasion-esque for a comic from 1968, it sure doesn't explain a whole lot. Sort of sounds like Nemesis as written by Peter Milligan.

You all know what this means, lads: it's time to dig deeper into the cavernous bowels of the DC Unvierse and discover exactly who Jonny Double is, and why he came to be (hint: Chinatown had been released four years prior, and The Fugivtive had just endd its run). But that'll have to wait until I actually find a copy of Showcase #78. For now, it may be back to the unicorn well...

Elseworlds

Great Moments in Mounties: Batman #223

The Mountie: a red-coated, steel-willed, horse-riding, Stetson-wearing hero who can track a man across a thousand miles of untamed wilderness, only stopping to wrestle the occasional Grizzly bear, and inform you politely that your tail-light is out, but he’ll let you off with a warning for now if you promise to have it fixed before you return to Canada on your next trip. At least, that’s the image that Hollywood has given the great Canadian police officer for much of the past hundred years.

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, or the North-west Mounted Police as they were known when they were originally founded, were formed in the 19th century to establish order in the wild and untamed north-west territories of Canada. The Mounties were famous for, allegedly, never having to draw their guns in order to do their jobs. Today, the RCMP is the largest police force in Canada, functioning much like the FBI/ATF does in America, but also performing front-line police work in the smaller or more remote communities that don't have police forces of their own.

Hollywood seemed obsessed with the Mounties at one point. The movies portrayed them as stalwart trackers, relentless in their pursuit of justice. In Pierre Burton's Hollywood's Canada, he describes the American view of our red-clad police force as "supermen, free of normal human appetites when on the trail of their man." This even contributed to the common error that the motto of the force is "We always get our man:" in actuality, the motto is "Defending the Right," which, to me at least, sounds a hell of a lot cooler.

Of course, Hollywood got it all wrong. For one, their mounties wore ridiculous-looking fur hats sometimes, and they could never really get the look of the Stetson right. More egregious errors included Mounties shooting first and not bothering to ask any questions, and a scene in McKenna of the Mounted (a lot of movies were called "-- of the Mounted") where an officer is discharged from the service and ceremonially whipped as a result.

And today, Mounties are still portrayed as ceaseless do-gooders who always wear their red dress uniforms, even though they're equipped pretty much like your average police officer - that means no funny hat (for the most part), and a bullet-proof vest on occasion.

This poor characterization isn't limited to movies, naturally. Comic books, those purveyors of only the highest quality entertainment, have contributed their fair share of misconceptions about the RCMP. I hope to have this as a regular feature, but like my other "features," "Comics That Have Pissed Me Off" and "The Continuing Adventures of Ronald Reagan," installments may be sporadic at best - especially considering that Mounties haven't been especially popular in pop culture for a few decades now, showing up only to be lampooned in media like Dudley Do Right and Due South. I've already got enough for at least two posts, so I think I'm ahead of the curve as it is.

One comic that has not helped the RCMP to shake their mythical reputation was Batman #223, a "Giant Batman." Don't get too excited; it's just an over-sized issue of the book, it doesn't contain any of those fantastic appearances of an actual giant Batman. I like to call this issue "Multinational Batman," because it features the fascinating gimmick of "Batman and Robin Face Danger Around the World!"


Although there are other stories of stereotypical hilarity within this tome, we're only interested in the wintry scene from the cover: Crime in Canada, a concept so shocking that Batman himself had to investigate.

The story is really titled - any guesses? - "Batman of the Mounties." And right from the get-go, I'm somewhat less than optimistic that this story will be free of the misconceptions and bad generalizations that have plagued the movies:


Sigh. Well, let's get on with it.

"Batman of the Mounties" follows the caped crusader as he ventures into the frozen north (strong and free, dontcha know) to capture the wicked LeClerc brothers, another bad trope of bad Mountie movies. Didn't you know that French-Canadians were evil?

Anyway, we open on an idyllic scene: the Mounties are apparently attending summer camp up in the Northwest, and they can barely contain their excitement when they see the fabled Batplane fly overhead. Boy, is there gonna be an awkward moment when Robin realizes this particular RCMP detachment (which seems to include slightly over 6000 officers) actually intended for someone else to accompany the Caped Crusader:

I mean, they already had a red tunic sized for Rob. Now what are they gonna do with it?

Aw, that's okay, guys. They already brought formal wear anyway. They also took along their "trees and rocks" uniform just in case they were to get stranded in Vancouver, and their leather uniforms just in case they... well, you know.

The Dynamic Duo have arranged to teach the Mounties their previously chronicled unique crime-fighting methods as a part of "National Law Enforcement Week," which is when we up in the Great White get off our asses and actually attempt to enforce a few laws for seven days - well, it's more like six because we don't open on Sundays.

Unfortunately, just as Batman & Rob begin to demonstrate how to apprehend rambunctious squirrels...

... one of the Mounties sets off in his ceremonial best - riding a horse because Canucks have yet to master the art of paving - in order to capture those dastardly Quebecois, the LeClerc brothers! The bros. have broken out of prison (but we just call it Quebec), and are headed the Mounties' way! Why, surely they could just wait for the idiots to pass by the massive encampent of police officers, right? Or maybe let Batman handle it? Nope, it's a much better idea to send "Bob" (actual Mountie name) off, on his own, with only a horse and the RCMP tradition not to ever draw his gun, to try to capture two armed and dangerous francophones. Bob Kane, or whoever really wrote "Batman of the Mounties," has apparently never heard of the Montreal Mafia.

Sadly, Bob's mission meets a sticky end, having to wheeze out a staccato speech to Batman and Robin as they find him dying in the snow. I don't think the way he's speaking his due to any distress, he might just not have learned how to use articles. Or he could have brain damage, I guess, because he insists on making Batman a deputy Mountie:


And forgive me for being presumptuous enough to question a "master crime-fighter," but in which universe does that make even one iota of sense, Batman? Robin isn't even old enough to drive a car, and you're letting him fly a goddamn super-sonic plane? And where would that thing even land out in the wilderness? There's too many trees to build a runway. And why would you have to become a Mountie in order to catch some bad guys? You've been doing it freelance for years, you crazy loon.

Well, questionable actions aside, Batman - who doesn't don the Stetson, so I wouldn't call him a real Mountie, anyway - sets off across the frozen wastes of Canada, following the trail of the most devious French killers around. And he gets to show off some of those "unique crime-fighting methods" again, this time wasting resources and putting distance between him and the LeClercs because, hey, walking sucks:


I don't want to get into posting every panel of this obvious masterpiece, but some of this crap is just too absurd to leave uncommented upon. The very next panel after "wind-surfer Batman..."

...sees the great detective not even considering that he may unknowingly following the path of, I don't know, a bear, instead of the criminals. Thanks to his little ice-surfing escapade, anything could have ripped the needles off of that tree while the LeClercs were half-way to Regina.

Then, the Mounties have the balls to say this to Robin when he comes back with the half-corpse of Mountie Bob:

O RLY? You, the genius who sent one guy and a horse after the LeClercs not five pages ago has suddenly decreed that they're too dangerous For even Batman to handle alone? I must say, our men in red aren't being given a good shake in this story.

Personally, I hope this is what he had in mind when he talked about sending "men" with them, though:


Yeah, we've got 'em up here.

The men of the Mounted Bear Patrol , unfortunately, can't waste their time tracking down the LeClercs because of a disaster in what I assume has to be a nearby town, so it's up to Robin (!) to catch up (!!) with Batman and take the evil Frenchmen down without help.

But I mean,really - when you've got a man who wastes as much time as Batman does building surf boards and changing clothes, manages to catch up with the bad guys, and then stops when he's being shot at to make a set of fuckin' skis (nevermind why his "snow" suit didn't come with snowshoes), you don't really need all that much help anyway, I reckon.


After what is ridiculously called "one of the weirdest fights ever," which involved balancing on logs cut down by an invisible logging company and floating in the river, Batman and Robin have finally apprehended the LeClerc brothers! But it's not quite time for a round of whiskey and vodka, as the LeClercs have a few tricks up their sleeves:

Which must lead to an exercise in Criminal Logic (TM):

thus preserving the status quo - provided that the status quo includes guys who've managed to foil the plans of psychotic clowns being duped by two backwoods thugs who could probably find a way to rationalize robbing a bank without taking any money. "No, mon frere! The money would make us a target! We will take zees artificial potted plants, instead! Zen we get away scot free! And grab zome pens while you're over zer!"

Don't worry - Batman and Robin "always get their man," even if it involves the unlikely scenario of Batman pulling the RCMP insignia that Constable Bob gave him out of his utility belt.

You know, the utility belt that the criminals made sure to remove so he couldn't come up with any tricks. That's okay, Bob - I know this story had a lot of twists to keep track of. Sometimes Batman comics are so complicated that you just can't remember what happened a scant two panels ago, especially if doing so would mean that Batman pulled that insignia right out of his ass. I would have just ended this comic after the fight on the floating logs, but then again, I've never been paid by the page.

So there ya go: Batman of the Mounties, our first look at Mounties in the comics. They might not have come out looking quite so good in this one, but not even Batman could manage that.

---

Fun Mountie Trivia: when Michael Moore made Canadian Bacon in 1995, he avoided paying the brave men and women of one of our finest institutions licensing fees for the use of "Royal Canadian Mounted Police" by calling his Mounties "Royal Mounted Canadian Police." Dude wasn't even trying.

The makers of Dudley Do-Right similarly avoided helping out the force when they purposely gave the titular hero the wrong uniform insignia - of course, that could always be rationalized by saying that they didn't want to denigrate the RCMP with their portrayal of the bumbling officer, but how many people actually know what RCMP signage is supposed to look like anyway? Certainly Bob Kane can't be counted among them.

Khaji-da!

In case you missed it over at the Newsarama blog...

an incarnation of the Blue Beetle will finally be showing up on your TV screens, in the latest Batman cartoon, Batman: The Brave and the Bold.

While characters running the gamut from The Creeper and Booster Gold to Aztek and B'wana Beast managed to get themselves cameos in the DCU in media other than comics, we have been denied any appearances of any of the Blue Beetles - neither Garrett, nor Kord, nor Reyes - in any form, whether it be Justice League Unlimited, or even Teen Titans. Why? Well, apparently Fox Feature Syndicate, the company that created and owned the blue bug in the forties until they went kaput and sold the rights to Charlton, had short-sightedly signed away the broadcasting rights to the character in order to produce a radio program. While I can only speculate, it would seem that they concluded that comic books were a fad, and were due for a crash sooner rather than later. It was, therefore, better to get their money now, and if that meant losing out on holding the rights to a worthless asset in a few years, than so be it.

That license finally expired in 2006, but by then it was too late to feature him in JLU - the cartoon had been canceled. Luckily for us Blue Beetle fans, though, no matter how many such shows are shit-canned, there will always be room for more Batman on our Saturday mornings.

The case of Blue Beetle is pretty enlightening, actually. I used to believe that if you tried hard enough, and maybe wrote a few letters, you could get a cartoon or toy based on any character you wanted. After searching for information about the Blue Beetle rights, though, I came across this post on the boards at Action Figure Insider, and was thoroughly humbled. I wasn't really disappointed, though - I felt more informed, and less like DC had something explicitly some of my favorite characters. It was calming to find out that, sometimes, no matter how popular a character, or how much money you could make out of it, you just can't use something - even if you own the character! Who knew making action figures, or cartoons, could be so complicated?

"Unique Crime Fighting Methods"

At ten the next morning...


And that's why there are no DC superheroes in Canada. Any more questions?

Come For Your Trial, Stay For the Corruption

Let's take a brief break from Slapstick Week for just a few minutes, because the Newsarama blog just picked up on something interesting: a New York City councilman wants to officially name "Gotham City" as NYC's primary nickname, in order to capitalize on the release of this summer's Batman flick, The Dark Knight.

That's just a bad idea all around. Gotham City is not a nice place. If you're not being accosted by a psychopathic clown while waiting for the subway, you've got to watch your back for the crazy in the bat costume who thinks you've got a connection to somebody's Al Ghul. Then there's the justice system, which, despite the aforementioned crazy's efforts to eschew any real political reform and stick with beating the crap out of ugly people, has yet to keep anyone in jail long enough for them to become homesick. This is the last fictional place in the world that you want associated with your hometown.

I mean, even if this councilor believes the comparison to be apt, do you really want to advertise it?

Contrary to the popular colloquialism, bad publicity is only that - bad. Say no to Gotham.

The Real Reason Behind Batman's Falling Out With Superman

Supes told Green Arrow about this immediately after he left. What a jerk.

(More fun from DC Realworlds: The Return of the Justice League!)

The Realworld: DCU

In 2000, DC released four one-shot graphic novels called "Realworlds,"stories that looked at ways that the DC characters affected the lives of people in the “real world” – our world. Sort of. See, it still isn’t our world because all of the stories are fictional, but they’re set in our world – there’s no real superheroes, no magic, no time travel, and no supernatural powers.

Four books were released: a Batman, a Superman, a Wonder Woman and a Justice League.

The Batman story sees a mentally-challenged man, Charlie, have trouble separating fiction from reality when he pretends to be Batman in a story set around the premiere of the Tim Burton Batman movie in 1989. Up until this point, the only version of Batman that he’s familiar with is the Adam West TV show, so Batman’s a real hoot for him. Of course, an interesting parallel is drawn when Charlie encounters his old “Robin,” and she’s fallen into drugs and crime. His once-happy childhood must come fact-to-face with the reality of modern life, and so too must his happy, campy Batman "mature:" once Charlie sees the new Batman movie, he starts to adopt aspects of that persona – the dark, “grim ‘n’ gritty," “mean” Batman that has guns on the Batplane. Thus. he goes from care-free crime-fighter into dour avenger. But things are once again set right in the world when Charlie gets beaten up by a bunch of hoods, and it’s the people who befriended the “old,” fun, and friendly Bat-Charlie who come to his aid.

The Superman book is somewhat less inspirational. Eddie is a mild-mannered grocery clerk who crosses a couple of toughs in the fifties, who then proceed to get him drunk and tattoo a giant “Superman” symbol on his chest. Eager to get revenge, Eddie is arrested while breaking into the leader's apartment, and spends the next two years in jail. During his stay, though, he starts to believe that his “S” tat is symbolic of more than his inability to defend himself, and ends up running the local crime syndicate once he’s paroled. His new, stony exterior is broken when he a few kids he tries to scare into obedience see the tattoo as the symbol that they’re familiar with – truth, justice, and acts of kindness. What Eddie fails to see is that you don’t have to be an unemotional dickwad to be tough, and thus his new Superman mindset must come into conflict with his criminal life. When he fails to silence a man who’s to testify in front of a grand jury because he doesn’t want the man’s son to see Superman beat up his pop, the rest of the gang decides to take him out, beating him senseless. The aforementioned son of the man who’s to testify finds him and brings him into his basement, where his father keeps him safe – at least, until he testifies, where it’ll be easy for the police to find him. Not content to sit around and wait for arrest, Eddie goes out looking for revenge once more, but manages to stop a drive-by shooting that would’ve killed the informer by throwing himself at their car. Earning redemption, Eddie “dies,” to be reborn in witness protection as Ted Carson, until he dies of a heart attack while helping children in LA.

The Wonder Woman story – I was never able to track down. The Comic Book Database, however, tells me that it was about a woman who plays Wonder Woman in the movies, and that one’s a little too obvious for my tastes; I like the indirect, tangential qualities of the stories featuring Batman, Superman, and the best book to come out of this series, the Justice League.



“The Justice League Returns,” by J.M. DeMatteis and G.L. Barr, sees four friends being invited out by their billionaire buddy during Halloween, 1999, to relive their youth spent playing “Justice League.” He sends them out in New York City, all expenses paid, with costumes of their respective superheroes: soon-to-be-divorced, disenchanted Michael Riley becomes Superman; plastic-surgery-playgirl and lawyer Karen Steuben relives her Wonder Woman days; down-on-his-luck, also divorced, comedian Nick “The Stick” Dimarco is Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man; and TV producer and asshole Richard Barrison dons the cowl and becomes the Caped Crusader, Batman. Their billionaire host, Bernard “Barnyard” Epstein, disillusioned with his role as a powerful corporate titan, can’t see himself as a hero anymore, and throws out his childhood alter-ego, The Atom, in favor of the villainous Despero.


Every one of the friends has become entirely disenchanted with life, believing that they’re wasting their time, just trying to keep death at bay for another day. In short, they’ve become pessimistic old farts. Richard gets through the pointless days watching I Love Lucy reruns. Nick seems to have lost his only shot at a comfortable life when he was fired from a sitcom, and now suffers from a “terrible disease” that he believes will kill him in a few years. Karen had plastic surgery to make up for what she believed to be ugliness, but still spends her days playing a character, engaging in wanton sex and frivolity, but tearing up when she confesses to Michael that love is the “only thing that gives life any substance” – quite a confession when you can see that she’s eschewed all of that, preferring to follow the mantra of "style over substance."



Bernard has sent them out on a journey through the streets of New York in their costumes, getting them to “play” again until they reach Yankee Stadium, where, in a “Wonderful Life” moment, Despero/Bernard shows them the good that they’ve done with their lives, and all that their days playing “Justice League” has taught them. Although Richard’s a grade-A asshole, he’s created a show that’s optimistic and gives people hope for the future; Michael’s students say he’s turned their lives around; Nick makes people laugh when their own lives seem like crap; Karen works with battered women and helps kids on the weekends – the only person that’s excluded is Bernard himself, so I’ll fix that by mentioning the lives he’s improved with – well, whatever it is that his company makes.



Bernard helps them to remember what they once believed they would do, and that, although things may not have worked out to the point where Karen’s swingin’ around a magical lasso and Michael’s saving Lois Lane from Brainiac’s machinations, they’ve made the world all the better for what they did do.



There is perhaps a bit of creepiness in the book, as Nick, playing Ralph Dibny, is frequently referred to not “living much longer:” once in childhood, and then when he’s an adult when Bernard tells the group that Nick has a double-hernia – which, Nick points out, could kill him if he doesn’t get treatment, which he can’t afford. Although these were printed in 2000, which raises doubts that the DC staff were in the know that far in advance of Ralph's death in 52, it is a little unsettling.

"The Return of the Justice League" is nicely done – it’s a bit of self-congratulation for DC, and helpful for those who despair that they haven’t “done” anything with their lives. What those people forget is that they’ve done plenty simply by living their lives, that pursuing their goals and values have rippled outward to attain the maximum benefit to the maximum number of people. The businessman, like Bernard, makes products available easily and cheaply when he seeks to make money. The comedian, Nick, provides entertainment, allowing people to forget about their problems for a few hours a night. The lawyer, Karen, makes enough money that her weekends can be spent helping those who do not deserve their fate; the kids whose parents died or the wives who were abused. The producer, Richard, inspires people, like DC has through the Justice League, to create a future like that portrayed in his TV show, where ability is rewarded and justice is served without deference to skin color or sex. And the teacher, Michael, trains others to achieve their goals, to ripple out in turn to touch all other lives.

Inspiring stuff.

And The dialog is pure DeMatteis – it felt like I was reading “Justice League International” all over again. In fact, there were places where I almost considered Michael, the Superman, to be closer to a Ted Kord. There's even a few "Bwa-ha-ha"s to be had.

Anyway, "The Return of the Justice League" is great stuff, so if you can find it, give this curiosity a spin. There's a few used copies at Amazon, so get 'em while you can.

LOLBats

Migraines cause posts that no one can enjoy.

(original image from Newsarama)

Concise Comics Reviews: Countdown Arena #2

DC's latest Countdown to Final Crisis tie-in...






is really, really, fucking bright.

(Countdown: Arena will be available in a trade in mid-2008, just in time for your eyes to have fully healed.)

Special Lecture Series: Super Hero Ethics

Today's Guest Speaker: Batman

Topic: Morality

You can learn more about Batmanism in DC'sBlack Adam: The Dark Age #2.

There's a Reason They're Called "Viral"

The latest craze sweeping the big entertainment and media companies is a new form of viral marketing: the puzzle form of the viral advertisement. These are interactive videos or websites that contain little hidden secrets about a particular product, but they are designed to look as though they have no connection with the product that they are promoting. In this way, this type of marketing can be insidious for the consumer, but it can even be dangerous for the promoter.

An example of this type of viral marketing is the "I Love Bees" website for Halo 2, or the recent "I believe in Harvey Dent" sites for the sequel to Batman Begins, "The Dark Knight," or the number of sites for the TV show, "Lost."

While the immediate goal of many people who take part in the viral marketing hunt is simply to find out what it all means, and what is actually being promoted, I believe that due to the ability of the internet to spoil, almost instantly, any secret, the searcher's ultimate goal is for a far more worthwhile prize: the first look. The people who are going to be the most dedicated to fishing through dozens of leads and surviving a load of puzzles isn't going to be your casual internet user, but a fan of the product that is being marketed, who wants to be the first to "crack the code" and discover the secret that it waiting at the end of the electronic rainbow. Hence, the many that sent their email addresses into the website "I Believe in Harvey Dent Too" we die-hard Batman fans who wanted to see exactly what information about the Dark Knight movie they would be treated to. The point of the viral marketing site isn't the marketing, but the prize.

And this is where the promoters enter dangerous waters: recently, there has been activity stemming from the owner of the website, "TheOneRing.net" (also owner of "KongIsKing.net"), in the form of the publishing of a website called "Rorschach's Journal," and another website seemingly tied to the character of Dr. Manhattan - both of these characters are from the comic series "The Watchmen," for which a movie has been rumored to be in development. These sites appear to be in the same vein as such viral marketing as websites for "Doctor Who" and "Lost." They are not.

Overzealous fans may take to creating their own viral marketing strategies, and as the very nature of the viral system is to maintain an appearance of non-relation to the corporate promoter, it can be difficult to determine exactly what is legitimate and what is wishful thinking. The legitimate viral site may lead to promotional stills from a movie, while the fan site may lead to a doctored or photoshopped photo of what the fan believes, or wishes, to be in the film. This can lead to all sorts of troubles, from anticipating fans being disappointed with the eventual film, to the image being so distasteful so as to cause "bad press" to form around the movie. Some sites may lead simply to nowhere, and confound fans who are expecting something, anything, to be revealed. At the very best, it will lead to frustration among fans, who must discern what to trust and what to dismiss.

I would even go as far as to say that fan-generated viral sites are akin to "cyber-squatting," generating hits while providing no benefit to the user. It is a double fraud, using the intellectual property of others to offer false promises to fans of that property.

There is such a thing as "bad publicity," and false viral marketing sites qualify as such.

Bats Eat Bugs, Don't They?

In lieu of Sci-Fi related content, tonight I will happily discuss the reasons why Batman would kick Spiderman's ass, because if I don't, you know someone else will.

So, I'm hanging out at the Silver Snail (a Canadian comic book store) the other day - because I am a nerd - and the topic comes up - that puzzling subject that has tried mens' minds for more than a generation of great thinkers - who would win in a fight, Batman or Spiderman?

Hm, now that is an interesting question. Naturally, I said Batman, because Batman isn't a whiny highschooler. But is it more than that? What attributes does the Dark Knight possess that would result in a victory over his insect-y counterpart?

Let's look at the facts:

1 - Batman is a billionaire. Parker lives in a crappy apartment with a landlord who threatens to cut off his testicles whenever he inevitably misses the rent cheque. While this does not directly influence the outcome of the battle, the incidental consequence is that Batman has a clear head - he remains deathly focused on bringing that scummy spider down, while Parker is still wondering whether Mary Jane will go with him to the winter dance when he can't afford to rent a suit.

2 - Batman is a loner. Batman has no ties to anyone (except Alfred, and come on, he looks like he can hold his own), and so, again, doesn't have to worry about the bad guys killing his girlfriend while he's out stopping the (pfffft) Clock King. Spider-man, on the other hand, has to worry about the old lady back home not being able to open a jar of pickles or reach the top shelf. Sure, we can relate to Spider-man better than we can relate to Batman - but that doesn't mean a whole lot in a rumble.

3 - Batman trained in Tibet with hallucinogens. Spider-man trained in the highschool gymnasium where he "just said no."

4 - Spider-man only witnessed an uncle being shot, and was able to get revenge, like, five minutes later (depending on what story you believe). Batman saw both his parents gunned down in front of him, and he was powerless to stop it.

5 - Spiderman killed Gwen Stacy. That makes you second-guess yourself in battle and stop just before you kill someone. Batman is a crazy mother-fucker, he don't care who you are - HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD.

6 - Batman's gadgets explode, Spider-man's do not.

7 - Plan ahea.d. Batman is the thinking-man's superhero. He doesn't have super-strength, or the agility of a spider ( which, if it is so Amazing, Spectacular, etc., how come my Spider-kill count is in the hundreds?), or "spidey-sense." Batman would check up on Spidey's background (shopping habits, weaknesses - after all, he does keep a spare chunk of kryptonite just in case Superman goes insane again - vulnerable family members, ties to organized crime), plant a fake note saying he's kidnapped Mary-Jane and Aunt May, and just wait on top of Parker's roof for him to come home. Batman has access to a big giant blinky-computer, police databases, and probably some satellites. Parker has Google.

8 - Batman has beaten much cooler villains - giant crocodile, killer clay-man, clown who'll kill you if you don't laugh at his puns, crazy-gas-making scarecrow, etc.

9 - Batman even trains while he has sex - Catwoman looks like she would make him work for it, Mary-Jane and Gwen Stacy would settle for the five-minute "Peter-thon."

10 - Hit and run. Batman can use the remote control on the Batmobile to just run Spidey over - if he dodges the car, you hit him with the plane - or, hell, even the boat.

11- Batman's latest costume is black. Spidey's is red and gold and looks like a reject from a Chippendale's show. You can see it from space.

12 - Batman outnumbers Spider-man at least 3:1 when it comes to sidekicks. Nobody wants to help Spider-man, they all just take-take-take.

13 - Spidey is too much of a smart-ass. He'd be making a joke after knocking Batman to the floor, and then get punched in the face mid-sentence. This isn't pro-wrestling son, leave the microphone at home.

And that is, conclusively, why Batman would beat the living hell out of Spider-man.