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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Bats Eat Bugs, Don't They?

In lieu of Sci-Fi related content, tonight I will happily discuss the reasons why Batman would kick Spiderman's ass, because if I don't, you know someone else will.

So, I'm hanging out at the Silver Snail (a Canadian comic book store) the other day - because I am a nerd - and the topic comes up - that puzzling subject that has tried mens' minds for more than a generation of great thinkers - who would win in a fight, Batman or Spiderman?

Hm, now that is an interesting question. Naturally, I said Batman, because Batman isn't a whiny highschooler. But is it more than that? What attributes does the Dark Knight possess that would result in a victory over his insect-y counterpart?

Let's look at the facts:

1 - Batman is a billionaire. Parker lives in a crappy apartment with a landlord who threatens to cut off his testicles whenever he inevitably misses the rent cheque. While this does not directly influence the outcome of the battle, the incidental consequence is that Batman has a clear head - he remains deathly focused on bringing that scummy spider down, while Parker is still wondering whether Mary Jane will go with him to the winter dance when he can't afford to rent a suit.

2 - Batman is a loner. Batman has no ties to anyone (except Alfred, and come on, he looks like he can hold his own), and so, again, doesn't have to worry about the bad guys killing his girlfriend while he's out stopping the (pfffft) Clock King. Spider-man, on the other hand, has to worry about the old lady back home not being able to open a jar of pickles or reach the top shelf. Sure, we can relate to Spider-man better than we can relate to Batman - but that doesn't mean a whole lot in a rumble.

3 - Batman trained in Tibet with hallucinogens. Spider-man trained in the highschool gymnasium where he "just said no."

4 - Spider-man only witnessed an uncle being shot, and was able to get revenge, like, five minutes later (depending on what story you believe). Batman saw both his parents gunned down in front of him, and he was powerless to stop it.

5 - Spiderman killed Gwen Stacy. That makes you second-guess yourself in battle and stop just before you kill someone. Batman is a crazy mother-fucker, he don't care who you are - HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD.

6 - Batman's gadgets explode, Spider-man's do not.

7 - Plan ahea.d. Batman is the thinking-man's superhero. He doesn't have super-strength, or the agility of a spider ( which, if it is so Amazing, Spectacular, etc., how come my Spider-kill count is in the hundreds?), or "spidey-sense." Batman would check up on Spidey's background (shopping habits, weaknesses - after all, he does keep a spare chunk of kryptonite just in case Superman goes insane again - vulnerable family members, ties to organized crime), plant a fake note saying he's kidnapped Mary-Jane and Aunt May, and just wait on top of Parker's roof for him to come home. Batman has access to a big giant blinky-computer, police databases, and probably some satellites. Parker has Google.

8 - Batman has beaten much cooler villains - giant crocodile, killer clay-man, clown who'll kill you if you don't laugh at his puns, crazy-gas-making scarecrow, etc.

9 - Batman even trains while he has sex - Catwoman looks like she would make him work for it, Mary-Jane and Gwen Stacy would settle for the five-minute "Peter-thon."

10 - Hit and run. Batman can use the remote control on the Batmobile to just run Spidey over - if he dodges the car, you hit him with the plane - or, hell, even the boat.

11- Batman's latest costume is black. Spidey's is red and gold and looks like a reject from a Chippendale's show. You can see it from space.

12 - Batman outnumbers Spider-man at least 3:1 when it comes to sidekicks. Nobody wants to help Spider-man, they all just take-take-take.

13 - Spidey is too much of a smart-ass. He'd be making a joke after knocking Batman to the floor, and then get punched in the face mid-sentence. This isn't pro-wrestling son, leave the microphone at home.

And that is, conclusively, why Batman would beat the living hell out of Spider-man.

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