An Open Letter to Russell T. Davies

Dear Mr. Davies,

Stop. Please, for the love of the Doctor, drop everything that you are planning and just stop. I have some advice that you must heed before you begin work on the 4th Season of Doctor Who.

First, please make the Doctor use some friggin' sense once in a while - there's a character who's just killed over a billion people, and the Doctor's solution is to hug him and feel sorry for the twisted bastard! The dude just turned him into a gnome, and the Doctor is actually unhappy that he's gone! Yes, we'll certainly miss the hordes of innocent people being murdered arbitrarily. We salute you, The Master!

Next, please tone down the sex. It really wouldn't be so bad if you included it only occasionally, but when every single episode of Torchwood has men "shagging" women, men shagging men, women shagging women, women shagging aliens, or men shagging machines, it can sort of give the impression that you're either obsessed with the most primal activity that a human being can take part in, just above taking a shit, or that you're throwing sex in there as the only way you can come up with to make your show seem as "adult" as you claimed it to be.

And while we're on the subject: who the fuck are you trying to kid? Adults aren't watching Torchwood. You took Captain Jack Harkness from the world of the Doctor and put him in an "adult "drama," and now you're planning to put Martha Jones in it as well. And you don't think kids are going to want to watch the continuing adventures of what might be their favorite (well, for Captain jack, anyway) characters? What kind of crazy-ass queer-as-folk drugs are you on, man? Torchwood is, essentially, what Doctor Who would look like if someone did one of those idiotic Battlestar-Galactica-post-modern-neil-gaiman's-sandman "re-imaginings" - everything must be darker! People, if not crying or yelling, must be swearing [in that adorable, British, almost-cursing-but-not-quite way]! Plot holes must be big enough to drive six trucks through at all times! Characters must never actually follow the premise of the show, at all! I mean, you billed that show as a cross between "X-Files" and some British show I really couldn't give a shit about, but you and I both know that's bullshit, because the X-Files was smart and subtle! I can tell you one thing, Russel - the Doctor might have chosen to chase a rampaging 20-story tall hell-demon around downtown Cardiff (?), but Fox Mulder and Dana Scully wouldn't have.

You really want to know what would be best, Russell? Stick to producing. Hire the writers, pitch some ideas, approve scripts, but just let Steven Moffat write the season premieres and finales from now on, okay? Steven Moffat can resist the lure of the "deus ex machina" - I mean, have you seen "Blink?" That shit was solid! The Doctor actually used his fabled galactic intelligence to out-smart the baddies! How cool was that shit? He didn't have "god" (re: Rose Tyler after thinking she could use the TARDIS' console to dry her hair) come and save him. He didn't write himself into a corner where billions of Cyberman and Daleks were wrecking havoc all over the world and needed to be stopped in a convenient way that would also "kill" one of the show's stars. And he definitely didn't have the Doctor be able to subvert the laws of physics through some last-minute bullshit about people chanting the Doctor's name which, amazingly enough, gave him the power to do just about whatever was needed to resolve this story cleanly. (No, wait, this is totally different, see - the first time, it was Rose who got the power of god, and this time it's the Doctor, because I don't like Martha Jones quite enough to give her super powers yet. Totally different, see?) Son, Steven Moffat may not be your kind of "emotional" (re: people yelling alot, people crying alot, David Tennant trying to look menacing and coming across as a complete goof) writer, but the a logical writer - his scripts and resolutions make sense. And they're emotional, too - they're just not melodramatic, like your's. Melodrama belongs on "The EastEnders."

Russel, I plead with you - either change your ways, or let someone else handle the creative side of Doctor Who. Please?